Saturday, August 03, 2002

Happy Birthday Ann Caroline Kaseberg. My little adorable and funny daughter is four today, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Bill Clinton said he would fight for Israel. Whoa, Palestinians have to be shaking right about now. By fighting of course, Clinton means going to London and enrolling in more classes at Oxford. What is Clinton thinking? His threatening to fight is about as credible as Madonna threatening a vow of chasity. Clinton's idea of hand to hand combat involves a cigar and an intern.There are some guys you would want next to you in battle. Then there are guys like Clinton who you want next to you just so you know he isn't trying to make a move on your sister.

All the enemy would have to do is send over one attractive female soldier and Clinton would surrender just for the opportunity to be frisked. Clinton offering to fight is almost as scary as Rosie O’Donnell threatening to go on a hunger strike. (OK, now that is just plain mean)

Can you imagine Bill Clinton in the military? Clinton's has a far differant idea of what constitutes a close order drill.

Clinton: "Uh, Sarge, can we go over that; "This is my rifle this is my gun, this is for fighting, this is for fun" thing again?"


Friday, August 02, 2002

It is happy hour, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers. It is time to pay homage to the God of; "Why am I suddenly so funny?"

It has been hot in the East. Today Allen Iverson’s wife got naked threw her self out of the house. Mike Piazza held a press conference to announce he does not have heat prostration. It was so hot in New York, Liza Minelli's husband wore chaps that were both backlass and frontless to the leather bar.

The critics have been pretty hard on Harrison Ford’s Russian accent in “K19, The Widowmaker.” Personally, I have never understood how movie makers think an accent is supposed to fool us into thinking someone is talking another language. That’s like believing someone is flying because they are flapping their arms. Supposedly, Ford’s accent is as close to a real Russian dialect as the “The Anna Nicole Smith Show” is to a Nobel Prize.

The stock market struggled through a correction then a major correction and then falling into a Bear Market. Now we have just passed a bear market into something that more closely resembles divine retribution of biblical proportions. I knew I shouldn’t have put my money with the investment firm of Sodom and Gomorrah.
Shameless Plug here for the well written Wahoo Gazette at Dial it up and in, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Yes, Mike, I just plugged you.)

An article in the L.A. Times claims that reality shows like “The Osbournes” and “Fear Factor” are designed to appeal to our nation’s rapidly shrinking attention span. Or something like that, I couldn’t seem to finish reading the stupid thing.

The Russian mob has been linked to the ice dancing scandal from the Winter Olympics. You’ve heard of the rumored Hollywood gay mafia, called the Velvet Mafia? This is their cousin, the sequined mafia. You want to stay clear of this ice dancing mafia. They are scary. Their hit man is Tonya Harding. Who in the world bets on ice dancing? Well, besides Mike Piazza. Betting on ice dancing. This explains why Liza Minelli’s husband asked for in increase in his allowance.

The Peep-o-rama, the last adult shop near Time Square in New York has closed down. In a related story, Bill Clinton is now looking to rent out his New York office.

When former congressman James Traficant, was being booked in jail, people were stunned to find out he wore a hairpiece. What do you think manufacturer’s name is for his particular model? Electro-Shocked Squirrel? Free-Falling Schnauzer? Hurricane Head?
Traficant will not be allowed to have his hairpiece in prison. Too bad. Something tells me that is going to free up Traficant’s prison dance card quite a bit.

Britney Spears bolted from the Mexico City stage after just a few songs. She reportedly got upset when somebody explained to her that the chants of; “Cheeches Grande” wasn’t for a high school.

A source says the production of Oprah’s life-advice “Dr. Phil” T.V. show is a train wreck due to a reportedly difficult Dr. Phil’s inability to work with the staff. In fact, Dr. Phil is so much crankier and testy than his T.V. persona, he is only one inside stock trade away from being the next Martha Stewart.

Maybe it's just me, but this Dr. Phil clown looks and acts just like Jeffrey Tambor's Hank Kingsley character from the old and awesome "Larry Sanders Show" on HBO. If you haven't seen it, Tambor's Hank is the ultimate smarmy, self-absorbed entertainment egomaniac who is so utterly full of crap that he has no idea he is actually full of crap. That, to me, is Dr. Phil. Except without the sense of humor to let us in on his joke. Hey Now, Dr. Phil.

Maybe it's just me, but taking advice from a guy with a thick drawl would be like having major surgery performed by a guy with a neck tattoo. Having said that, if I had Dr. Phil's coin, I would burn mine on an August day.

Props, a shout out and other things that a white guy like me shouldn't try to say go out to Los Angeles Sparks Lisa Leslie. She became the first woman to dunk in a WNBA game. So don’t give up hope, Los Angeles Clippers.

Wednesday, July 31, 2002

Neeeee Hawwwwwww, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Excuse me, but I am carrin' on like a horse what just heard somebody yell; "Frau Bluecher". Rode my bike about twenty miles this morning and I am feeling a little too smug for my own good. It will pass.

Budget Rental Car has gone bankrupt. Ironically, Reckless Spending Rental Car is doing pretty well.

An alleged Russian crime boss was arrested in Italy on U.S. charges he tried to fix the pairs and ice dancing figure skating competitions at the Salt Lake City Olympics. A crime boss trying to fix figure skating. And they say there isn’t a gay mafia . . .
This season on the season premiere of “The Sopranos” watch as Tony Soprano makes The Ice Capades an offer they can’t refuse.

A judge sentenced former Ohio congressman James Traficant to eight years in jail for his conviction on corruption charges. Anxious Ohio inmates are already drawing straws to see who gets to make Traficant’s hair piece their bitch.

Starbucks says they are going to build over 300 more stores across the country. We need more Starbucks like Anna Nicole Smith needs more Cheetos and Yoo Hoo’s.

Speaking of bloated white trash, have you seen clips from E Entertainment’s “The Anna Nicole Smith show”? Anna wanted to name the show after her boyfriend, but “Big Brother” was already taken. Let’s just say that, in terms of TV’s greatest moments, the Beatles on Ed Sullivan, the moon landing, and the fall of the iron curtain don’t have to worry about losing their places. I am particularly looking forward to the “Spin the Bottle” episode shot at her family reunion.

The great news is that all nine of the trapped Pennsylvania minors were rescued. The bad news is that four have them have seen the commercials for Anna Nicole Smith’s new upcoming show and want to go right back into the ground.

Tuesday, July 30, 2002

Well, hello again you ol' Nuggets and Slatterns.

It is hot back East. In Philadelphia, Allen Iverson got naked and threw himself out the house just for the breeze.

Arnold Schwartzenegger is 55 today. “I’ll be back . . . as soon as I can remember why I came here in the first place.”

The third-place Tour de France finisher Lithuania's Raimondas Rumsas denied using banned substances found on his wife - endurance enhancer EPO and testosterone - claiming the medications were for his mother-in-law. Oh sure, his Mother-in-law was probably just training for that new popular event: the combination marathon run and beard-growing contest.

In London, their first bicycle ambulances hit the streets. If this goes well, they may try that new advanced ambulance technology: I think they call it a motorcycle. How is this going to make people feel who were hurt in a bicycle accident? “Lie still, another bike is on the way.”

Starbucks says they are going to build over 300 more stores across the country. How is that possible? You’ve heard of the double latte? Now they are going to have double Starbucks. Two in one store. 300 more Starbucks? What are they, putting them in people’s homes now? So that’s what all that racket is in my kitchen, they are putting in a damn Starbucks.

A judge sentenced former congressman James Traficant to eight years in jail for his conviction on corruption charges. In addition, he charged Traficant’s another six months for wearing an endangered species on his head.

President Bush signed into law a bill that increases penalties for accounting fraud and provides new grounds for prosecuting corporate corruption. This bill is serious, now when CEO’s cook the books they have to be prepared to meet FDA standards.

Golfer John Daly had pieces of glass in his knuckle, so he said he treated it himself by applying Super Glue to seal up the wound. Let’s all hope John never gets hemorrhoids.

Jamaican court issued an arrest warrant for American rapper Ja Rule when he failed to appear on charges of using profanity during a concert last year. Oh my word, a rapper using profanity. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Here in the U.S. rappers get charged if they don’t use profanity.

Seattle Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren said that Ryan Leaf retired because he had lost “the fire and passion to play.” That is shocking. Ryan Leaf once had the fire and the passion to play? Can you imagine how bad he would have been if he had just gone at it half-assed?

About 40 pilot whales became stranded on a Cape Cod beach. Apparently they must be America West pilot whales, because they’re drunk.

Now a Delta pilot has been accused of trying to fly drunk. First America West now Delta. Remember the good ol’ days when the only drunks were Amtrak engineers and Exxon captains?

Already in trouble for flipping off photographers, Britney Spears walked off stage in Mexico City after five songs. Britney is testy because she is mad at her publicist over her deplorable lack of media exposure. It seems Britney was recently out of the limelight for an entire four hours.

Monday, July 29, 2002

Well slap me silly and call me Frita, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

The right honorable Rev. Al Sharpton (are you picking up on my sarcasm here?) is suing HBO for a billion dollars for airing an FBI video that features Rev. Al apparently negotiating a cocaine deal with an undercover agent. Exactly what church is Sharpton a reverend of? Our Sister of the immaculate crack pipe? That’s right, Sharpton is suing HBO for a billion dollars. Or a hundred kilos of uncut cocaine, either one.

There are some sure signs the economy is in trouble: The Federal reserve lowers rates, unemployment shoots up, and a president named Bush attacks Iraq. Yep, folks, it’s looking more and more like we are getting ready to fight Iraq. Just today, the State Department sent Saddam Hussein a note asking; “Hey, you got a problem?”

In Jerusalem, Rev. Jesse Jackson preached non-violence to Christian Palestinians. When it comes to non-violence, Jackson knows what he is talking about. Jesse has never hit anything in his life, well, besides a fine booty.

Thanks to Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France victory, the people in France were in a familiar position: On the streets greeting a conquering hero from another country. Help me out here, Slatterns and Ranchers: why is it so fun to beat up on the French? Are they really that snotty? I met a French guy who was a horribly rude snob, but he was the guest of my across-the-apartment-courtyard French neighbors who simply could not have been nicer. (We chipped in together on a vacuum cleaner. That is a good move, by the way. If you ever get a chance, go halves on cleaning devices with French people, they don't ever use them.)

But, let's face it, the economy of California is now bigger than France's economy. Are the French even worth picking on any more? Why do we care if they are rude to us? I don't. I have enough rude people right here in Northern San Diego to worry about, excuse my preposition. Speaking of rude San Diegans, when did signaling before changing lanes become merely an optional courtesy?

Oh well. Folks, bare with me. I just came off the wagon after three weeks with a bit of a thud. The 21 days was my goal, I made it, and then I celebrated. Apparently too much. I loves me my wine, but sometimes my wine doesn't recipricate. Back on the wagon now for fun.

Speaking of drunk guys who have been in a video with two drunk women, Rob Lowe is leaving the show “The West Wing.” Hello Rob? You don’t leave a hit show. Does the name Kathy Lee Gifford mean anything to you? I can think of three reasons why Lowe shouldn’t leave: Shelly Long, David Caruso and Shannon Doherty. I guess this means we won’t hear from Rob Lowe until the People Magazine’s “Where are they Now?” 2005 issue. Lowe’s publicist said Lowe wants to spend more time with his family. To which Lowe’s family replied, “What are you, stupid? Go back to the show, we want more money.”

NFL all-time flop quarterback Ryan Leaf has retired from football after being paid over $16 million when he was picked second in the ’98 draft. Leaf has requested that his self-respect, credibility and dignity be cryogenically frozen so it might be brought back to life sometime in the future. Leaf makes World Com look like a good investment.(Remember the good old days when just football players were disastrous investments?)

The only big question facing Ryan Leaf now is the one he has to ask customers; “Do you want fries with that?”

Speaking of investments and the market, man did it shoot up today. Last week the market was way down, today it shot straight up. How crazy is this market? I'll tell you: just this afternoon, the market accused Tommy Mattola and the music industry of being racist