Thursday, May 02, 2002

Nehaw, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

More stuff is coming out on the guy in the show “The Bachelor” It turns out he had a reason for not proposing to the winner: His Priest is jealous.

An anonymous source who works with Madonna said the reason Madonna’s London play was delayed was that, quote “The statue of Liberty is capable of more facial expressions than Madonna.” Meeoww. The other difference, of course, is that less people have been in the Statue of Liberty.

Bill Clinton has talked with NBC executives about becoming the host of his own daytime TV talk show. I am not sure this is a good idea for booking guests. Between Clinton and Jerry Springer, is there really enough trailer trash to go around?

By implanting electrodes in rats' brains, scientists can control the rats and use them – with the help of a tiny camera - to find people trapped in rubble. Imagine that, rats with a job. Well, besides attorneys.

A photo in the New York Post revealed Britney Spears smoking on her Australian hotel balcony. So what’s the big deal? A lot of people like to enjoy a smoke after not having sex.

The New York Times reports that marijuana is 10 to 20 times stronger than it was in the sixties. And in related story, business is up 10 to 20 times at the New York Times’ vending machines.I know I’m out of touch, but I take it people no longer have to buy their pot by the hefty bag?

Rosie O’Donnell’s gal pal may be pregnant. I suspect the father is David Crosby again. They announced that this summer there’ll be a tour by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young’in. As you probably remember, Rosie O’Donnell is the winner of this year’s Ellen DeGeneris’ “OK, You’re Gay, We Got it” award.

Anna Kournikova is suing Penthouse magazine, claiming those topless pictures weren't actually her. Can you imagine if this goes to trial? “Your honor, we’d like to exam the evidence one more time.”

That is going on in the Middle East? A gun fight in the Church of Nativity in Bethlehem? Are you kidding? That’s like hearing that there was a drive-bye shooting at the House at Pooh Corner.

Police now say the gun used in the Robert Blake case was a WWII pistol. Aren’t we all glad it wasn’t a Beretta? That would have been the most ironic L.A. celebrity murder fact since the song “Backstabber” was by the O.J.’s

A French activist was partially responsible for negotiating Yassar Arafat’s release deal. What happens when you cross a French guy with a Palestinian? You get a suicide bomber who surrenders to himself.

After a month under siege Yassar Arafat left his office under a U.S.-brokered deal. Actually we didn’t broker the deal, he was voted out of the compound by an alliance by the Maaramu tribe.

Robert Blake told the judge that he is so severely dyslexic he would not be able to read the legal documents in his case. He is so dyslexic, his real name is actually Blake Roberts.

It’s official, Los Angeles is the smoggiest city in the country. This air quality report was brought to you by the Center For Masters of the Obvious.

A man in Idaho is facing jail for running his truck into a hair salon after getting upset over a haircut he received there. How bad does a barber have to be to mess up a Mullet? He didn’t mean to crash his truck into the salon, but they screwed up his mullet and got it backwards, long in front, short in back. The guy couldn’t see.

Outside San Diego, a woman vice principal launched a thong check at a high school dance, lifting up girls skirts and sent home any girl wearing a thong. The good news for all the girls who got sent home is that they now have dates lined up through the end of the summer. How do I apply for the job of thong-checker?

Tuesday, April 30, 2002

Hello all Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hard to believe, but it’s been a year since Washington Intern Chandra Levy was reported missing. When asked to comment, all former Congressman Gary Condit would say is; “Do you want fries with that?”

Bill Clinton is looking for an apartment in Manhattan. Clinton is looking to save money. At those Times Square Hotels the twenty bucks-an-hour adds up fast.

Barney Reed Jr., a table tennis player, was suspended for two years for testing positive for anabolic steroids. The steroids weren’t for performance enhancement, the guy just wanted to look buffed for all those table tennis groupies.

On this date on 1945, Adolf Hitler committed suicide along with his wife of one day, Eva Braun. A lot of people don’t know this, but initially, Hitler asked his bodyguards to do it for him.

Topless photos of Anna Kournikova appearing in the June issue of Penthouse magazine are fake, say representatives of the Russian tennis player. So, for now, Anna will only pose as a tennis player.

Over 450 airport workers have been arrested on a sweep of 15 airports. It was wild, the police held a surprise raid, they burst into the airports, shook the airport workers awake, and arrested them.

Burger King has a promotion that, if you cluck like a chicken, you get 50 cents off of their chicken whopper. And in Portland, you get another 50 cents off if you choke on it like a Blazer.

There was an embarrassing moment when "The Bachelor" went on his first date with the woman that won on the show. They were in bed and he forgot her name, and screamed out her number; “Oh, 25, yes, 25, do it, 25.”

Some sad news, the woman who created Barbie, Ruth Handler, died, she was 85. There was an awkward scene at the funeral. Ken flew into a jealous rage when G.I. Joe came to pay his respects.

They have discovered that the murder weapon in the Robert Blake case was a vintage World War II hand gun. Police have put out an A.P.B. for Sergeant Schultz.

Police are currently searching for Private Ryan.

Two congressional panels on transportation want to arm airline pilots. I think that’s a good idea. But why stop there? They should also give guns to the flight attendants. You’ll see those cell phones off and those trey tables stowed and locked in their full-upright position, I can tell you.

I saw the 500th episode of “Cops.” It was the 2,000th person apprehended and, according to the arrestees, the 2000th innocent victim who didn’t do anything wrong.I love these guys on “Cops” “I didn’t dooooooo nothin’, I shwear. ’” The other person’s lying there all beat-up and bloody.

Twenty-six Palestinians left the Church of the Nativity, the largest number to exit the besieged compound since a standoff began nearly a month ago. That’s the good news. The bad news? They all said that the priest at the Church molested them.

After whittling down to 25 girls, and all that hype, “The Bachelor” guy didn’t even propose. Turns out he has his reasons. He wants to hold out until bachelorette #69.

Sports Illustrated columnist Rick Reilly wrote a column decrying stadium luxury boxes, and I agree. I was in a corporate luxury box for a San Diego Chargers game, and I was about as close to the game as a computer nerd is to Anna Kournakova seeing her on the Internet.