Thursday, May 24, 2018

A 102-year-old has become the oldest person to write his memoirs. It's titled, "You Punks Get Off My Lawn."

"Why are they taking away my noble piece prize? Nobody got more noble pieces of tail than me."

- Donald Trump probably

The Post Office announced new "scratch and sniff" stamps. Let us all hope and pray that the "Roseanne" stamp is cancelled.

Donald Trump had to cancel his summit with Kim Jong Un. Apparently the "Taunt Him With Little Rocket Man" strategy wasn't as effective as we all thought.

The Post Office announced new "scratch and sniff" stamps. "Well, so much for our stamp," said Trenton, New Jersey.

Kim Jong Un is worried about a coup d'é·tat if he meets with Trump. Unless coup d'é·tat is a French name for schnauzer stew, I think he will be fine.

It was a little cool in Los Angeles this morning. I had to ask my Uber driver, Harvey Weinstein, to turn up the heat.

Thanks to an appeal by Sly Stallone, Donald Trump has pardoned boxer Jack Johnson. 

Stallone said, "Finally Jack Johnson gets justice." That or he said, "Forlornly shack housing emits asbestos." We're not sure. That whole Yanny-Laurel thing.

Bob Dylan is launching his own brand of whisky. The whisky is so strong, after two drinks, you're talking like Bob Dylan.

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Becky with the good hair, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Brandi Chastain's statue:

"Err merr gerd, howr derr your not hear Yanny?"

Renaldo's statue:

"Whart are your, dearf? It's Laurel."

Red Sox star Mookie Betts is related to the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle. Please, please tell me that makes him Duke Mookie.

Chef Mario Batali is being investigated for two sexual assaults. So my instinctive hatred of Mario Batali turned out to be well-founded.

A sinkhole has appeared on the White House lawn. That story again, they have discovered Anthony Scaramucci's shallow grave.

Charlie Sheen is listing his Beverly Hills estate at $9.99 million. $3.5 million of that is the estimated street value of the remnants of cocaine in the carpet.

Put balding ginger hair in pony tail. Check.
Put cargo shorts over fat, freckled butt. Check.
Wear socks with orange Crocs on my stanky-ass feet. Check.
Be investigated by NYPD for sexual assault I really did. Check.

-Mario Batali's "To Do" list. 

The New York police are investigating chef Mario Batali for sexual assault. 

"This really comes as a shock," said nobody who knows Batali always wears cargo shorts and orange Crocs with socks.

Since you asked:

The Heat is Off

While now dipping my toe in the entertainment business after working on Wall Street in the ’80’s, I feel qualified to offer my opinion on why Hollywood was hit so hard and blindly by the #MeToo movement.

Working for a brokerage firm that dealt exclusively with only the top Wall Street firms allowed to trade with the Federal Reserve in the ’80’s, it was still almost exclusively a boy’s club. The women who did work there took what now can only be considered considerable verbal abuse in an attempt to decipher if they could be one of the boys. 

When I worked on Wall Street, we got there at 8:00 AM in our suits and did not leave until 5:00 PM. And then, at least one night a week, we were expected to entertain our clients with at least a boozy dinner and then a club. This being the Eighties, our boss was staunchly against drugs and hookers. Our competitors did not always make that distinction.  

We could not leave our desks except for the bathroom. Lunch was brought in.  

The language at the desk was so foul and the jokes so disgusting, it dissolved into nothing more than a gross-out contest. Often it made me chuckle to realize that when a few of us headed to the Downtown Athletic Club men’s locker room, we had to clean up our language. 

And yet, by the late Eighties and certainly by the early Nineties, this changed dramatically. Soon after I left for California in 1986, a top executive at our Wall Street firm got hit with a sexual abuse lawsuit from which he barely escaped. 

Even in the early Nineties in La Jolla, California, my old school manager ordered a belly dancer for a brokers meeting infuriating many of the women who worked there. 

Even as backwards and as much of an old boy’s network as the financial industry was through the mid Nineties, they eventually got, as the kids say, woke.

That never happened to Hollywood.

Hollywood, as Woody Allen put it so well - before he married his teenage daughter -  is worse than dog-eat-dog, it is dog doesn’t return other dog’s phone call.

Hollywood is comprised of 100% of people who think they should have been famous stars in a business where .01% of them are famous stars. Even the accountants, lawyers, studio executives and producers all once had stars in their eyes.

A top agent once coldly responded to a wildly talented unemployed actor’s begging him to represent him by saying, “I don’t represent talent. I represent heat. You got no heat.”

Hollywood is all about the heat. Either you have the heat or you don’t. 

And I think the slimebags in Hollywood, post #MeToo are simply adjusting their game not get caught. 

There was a telling inside-Hollywood scene in the underrated HBO show “Barry” where the starving ingenue lands a meeting with an A-list agent. He promises to use his pull to get her a much sought-after audition. He then matter-of-factly tells her, 

“Of course I expect you to f*ck me.”

There is a long pause. After she stammers that she wants to keep it professional, he blurts out,

“I was just joking. Of course, I would never do that.”

But when she gets to the audition, she finds out he called and cancelled her appointment.  

From the time the valet attendant parks your car to the moment you sit down at a production meeting, everyone is eyeing you to determine if you have the kind of heat that can help their career. If you don’t? You can see them turn out your lights in their head. 

If you have that kind of heat, like Bill Cosby did, like Louis CK did, like Harvey Weinstein did, like Kevin Spacey did, you get away with everything but murder. And maybe murder if it was someone people did not like. Like an intern or a page. 

Combine that with an entire industry that makes endless allowances for flakey creative types along with movies sets that feature lots of naked people all being run by fit, gorgeous people that  have never worked in the real world, all fueled by lots of free booze and drugs.... 

Well, things were very much like the fall of Rome.

Lord knows I love the movie “Tombstone,” there are two glaring dialog errors.

First is just a flat-out false definition. 

While bumping into each other on a horseback ride, Josephine Marcus (Dana Delaney) tells Wyatt Earp (Kurt Russell) that their meeting was fortuitous. Which she condescendingly explains means lucky. 


Fortuitous means by chance. Just because it has the beginning off the word fortune, people think it means fortunate. Serial killers can pick their victims fortuitously.

Serendipitous means lucky. You can pick your lottery numbers fortuitously, but if you win it is serendipitous. 

Next, Sherman McMasters says the cowboys are out for revenge. Doc Holliday (Val Kilmer) says, “Make no mistake, it is not revenge they’re after. It’s a reckoning.”

Now this bugged me, so I looked it up. A reckoning implies an accounting or a tally to become even. The IRS wanting back-taxes is a reckoning. In a more philosophical definition, it also implies divine justice or cosmic fairness.  

That is wrong. The cowboys are out for nothing if not revenge. Justice or the evening of numbers has nothing to do with it.

“40-Year-Old Virgin” holds up as sweet and funny. But it is amazing the number of careers Judd Apatow launched. He has an amazing eye for talent:

Steve Carell was already on his way and so was Catherine Keener and Paul Rudd had done “Clueless.”

But look at the rest:

Seth Rogen

Romany Malco (Still under-used in my opinion) 

Elizabeth Banks

Leslie Mann

Jane Lynch

Jonah Hill

Mindy Kaling

Mo Collins

Wayne Federman (Underrated) 

Gillian Vigman (You know her as the wife on Jack-in-the-Box)

Stormy Daniels. Yes, that Stormy Daniels. She stretches to play a porn star.

And Kevin Hart, with his tiny part, almost steals the movie with his, "Well, you somebody's n-word with this n-word tie." 

Monday, May 21, 2018

Seven babies born within a month at an Oklahoma fire station. As a result, this year they will neither serve alcohol nor play Adele's "Hello" at the Fourth of July party.

The CEO of Bumble Bee is indicted on price-fixing tuna. If convicted, he is looking at ten years in the can.

Katy Perry criticized Meghan Markle's wedding dress. Although anyone who has consciously chosen to put on their naked body Russell Brand should not be quick to judge.

Starbucks has a new policy where anyone can use their bathrooms regardless if they're a paying customer. Check that. Anyone but Chris Christie.

The CEO of Bumble Bee, Christopher Lischewski, is indicted for price-fixing tuna. This has nothing to do with the CEO being male. They don't care if it's ahi or a she.

Great Britain has Harry and Meghan, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. We have Jared and Ivanka, the Duke and Duchess of Suck It.

Ex-Raider, Aldon Smith, recently blew a .41 blood-alcohol, five times the legal limit and the same level Amy Winehouse had when she died. Commitment to Excessiveness. Just Gin, Baby.

Since you asked:

You can tell Meghan Markle is amazing because she was elected Rush Chairman of a top sorority, Kappa Kappa Gamma, at a top school, Northwestern. What? You think I mention that because I was a Rush Chairman for Sigma Chi at UC Santa Barbara? Pfffft.

Sunday, May 20, 2018

Donald Trump welcomed his wife Melania back from the hospital in a tweet where he misspelled her name Melanie. 

Melania then tweeted, "It's the thought that c*nts."

The Vegas Golden Knights, started last year, are vying for a spot in the Stanley Cup. Here are some of the other names they considered:

The Vegas Desert Grave Diggers  (That one is owned by Martin Scorsese)

The Vegas Medical School Strippers

The Vegas Casino Knee-Cappers

The Vegas Oxygen Tank Smokers

The Vegas 30-Something Female  Midwestern Tourist Who Comes to Las Vegas For the Thrill of Turning a Trick as a Hooker. 

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Caitlyn Jenner has been selected
To have transgender’s protected
Caitlyn lives with a girl
Who was a boy, what a whirl
And they talk about parts dissected.

Friday, May 18, 2018

A wounded veteran received the first successful scrotum and penis transplant. As a result, Jared Kusner is now on the transplant waiting list.

The CDC has ranked Green Bay, WI, the drunkest city in the US. How do you think Brett Favre retired so many times? He would get drunk, retire, and then forget about it the next day.

A Florida man tried to hide his legless girlfriend, wanted for armed robbery, in a plastic tub. Now he is afraid she will roll over on him.

A 101-MPH line drive bounced off the ample belly of Texas Ranger, Bartolo Colon, and he threw the batter out. The out was scored 55, 1, 3. One being the pitcher, three being the first baseman and 55 being the inches of Colon's gut.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

An Israeli soccer team changed their name to Trump. It isn't working out well. Since changing their name to Trump, all the players want to do is eat burgers and yell at CNN.

The Cleveland Browns will be featured on HBO's training camp documentary, "Hard Knocks." Apparently HBO wanted to take a break from doing NFL teams.

Golfer, Lucas Glover's wife, Krista, was arrested for domestic abuse after she got drunk and attacked Glover for missing a cut. She also attacked Glover's mother and the police. 
At this point Tiger Woods has to be asking himself how he let this gem slip away.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather bought his dog designer shoes. That story again, Floyd Mayweather has officially run out of ways to blow his money.

Since you asked;

The following incident sums up my problem with Donald Trump. And my problems are not politics. 

No, my problems with Trump are with his personality, and this incident sums it up.

If there are two constants with Donald Trump, it is his egomania and narcissism. And, unfortunately, we also know about his, um, affection for Ivanka. (And we have all seen the picture of Ivanka eye-banging Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau)  

So you have to know that Trump went into his March 2018 trade meeting with Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, with every intention of showing him up and, at the very least, not looking stupid. So that means, at least for Trump, some actual preparation, right?     

During the meeting with Trudeau, Trump repeats we have a trade deficit with Canada. The problem? Canada is one of the few countries with which we have a trade surplus. Trudeau tried to correct Trump several times, but Trump kept insisting we have a trade deficit with Canada.

The one and only thing Donald Trump had to know before that meeting was that we have a trade surplus with Canada. 

And he did not know that. The one thing.

So at his next fundraiser, realizing how stupid he looked, Trump comments that he intentionally lied about not knowing about the trade surplus. Trump decided the best way to cover up his idiocy was to lie. 

In other words, Trump was lying about lying about not knowing about the trade surplus. In more other words, Donald Trump genuinely believes that lying about a mistake is far better than admitting a mistake. 

This incident covers it all, Trump’s vanity, his lack of knowledge, his laziness, his not just flagrant disregard for the truth, but his actual love of lying.  

One of the most damning things I have ever heard someone say about someone else is they would rather lie when the truth is easier.

Trump would rather lie than do anything else.   

December (Spit Me Out) - Collective Soul

Yanny or Laurel? Nah.

Mr. Garvey hears Yane-nay and Lay-ew-rale.

(Google: Key and Peele Substitute Teacher)

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

North Korea is threatening to cancel the summit with Donald Trump. You know what this means? Trump may have to pull out the Kim Jong Un Pee-Pee tape.

It should not be surprising North Korea would dog us. You are what you eat.

Big storm hitting the East. In Washington, it blew Rudy Giuliani into a charm school.

Vladimir Putin was the first to cross a two-billion dollar bridge from Russia to Crimea, a place Russia militarily "annexed" in 2014. Under Putin, even Russia's history is abridged.

For the 14th time in ten years, a severed foot in a shoe has washed up on a Vancouver beach. When it comes to knowing who the victims are, the police are stumped.

And yes, they had to call a toe truck.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
If you're in San Diego
Who cares where Carmen is too? 


Drunk Best Man tells sordid story of a nightmare girlfriend he was told the groom had. Turns out she's the Maid of Honor.  #WeddingFail

A year ago, a group of Florida parents were furious to see a video of their children twerking and lap-dancing in class. Now they're fine. It being Florida, they added pole-dancing to the twerking and lap-dancing.

Since you asked:

Based on Nathan Lane’s portrayal of Roy Cohn in "Angels In America," Frank Rich wrote an article in “New York” magazine on Cohn. Cohn is best known as the pit bull lawyer for the most reviled man in Congress, Joe McCarthy. 

Cohn was also Donald Trump’s lawyer who launched Trump into the public eye in New York. Someone describes Cohn as perhaps the worst human being who ever lived.

Quite a statement. 

Cohn viciously attacked innocent people for his own gain. He enjoyed destroying families and careers. He despised gay people and persecuted them when he was a closeted gay man. Roy Cohn was beyond the capability of the word hypocrite to stretch to define him. 

Trump learned well from Cohn that you attack people with litigation, ruin their lives, insult them, bully them and then, if confronted about your misdeeds, lie and then lie about your lying. 

You lie so much and so hard, honest people are not able to comprehend that much lying and assume you're telling the truth.

Even annoying occurrences can lead to cute stories.

So I get a wire transfer to my checking account at about 1:30 AM. The next morning, I head to the gas station to get some gas. The pump tells me to see the cashier. The cashier, a perfectly nice young man, informs me my card was not accepted.

Already low on gas, I zip on over to my bank. The teller - do they still call them that? - informs me after a wire transfer, they have to activate the money in the account. How would I know this? Fine.

So I zip back to the gas station. Again the card is turned down. This time I assured him I was told the bank activated it. The young guy tries it three more times. No good. 

Drive back to the bank. On fumes. The bank dude tells me it must be the gas station’s foul-up. This time I get cash. 

Now I am back to the gas station for the third time. When I give the young guy $20, with a straight face, he looks up and said, 

“Sorry, it is not accepting your cash.”

We exchange high fives and I tell him he is lucky there is a counter between us or I would have given him a hug.

Now I head to the grocery story, among my items are my beloved two-pack of Hostess Ding Dongs. Also a bottle of wine. The wine bottle rolls over on the Ding Dongs crushing them to dust. (Nobody wants crushed Ding Dongs)  The cashier tells me to replace them on the way out.  

As I was bagging my stuff, my wonderful cashier smiled at me and kindly said, 

“Before you leave, don’t forget to grab your Ding Dongs.” 

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Rudy Giuliani has quit his law firm to focus on helping Donald Trump. Now the lawyers at his old firm are fighting over who gets to sleep in Rudy's coffin.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather had designer shoes made for his dogs. The shoes are Nike. Not the athletic shoe Nike, this Nike stands for Nobody Intelligent's Kind of Extravagance.

A legless Florida woman, wanted for armed robbery, was arrested when her boyfriend tried to hide her in a plastic storage bin. Now she is going to testify against him and roll-over on her boyfriend.

A legless Florida woman was arrested for armed robbery after trying to hide in a plastic tub. She was charged with grand larceny, resisting arrest and impersonating "Forrest Gump's" Lieutenant Dan.

Pirates pitcher, Jameson Taillon, said he would consider letting someone pee on his finger to heal a cut. Upon hearing this, Vladimir Putin offered to send two prostitutes to Pittsburgh.

Pirates pitcher, Jameson Taillon, said he would consider peeing on his cut finger to speed up the healing. Son, if peeing on something made it healthier, my inner thighs would only be 12-years-old.

A legless Florida woman, wanted for armed robbery, was arrested trying to hide in a plastic storage bin. As to what led her to a life of crime, police are stumped.

An Israeli soccer team changed their name to Trump. Upon  changing their name, they estimated their game attendance went from 8,000 to one million.

A legless Florida woman, wanted for armed robbery, was arrested trying to hide in a plastic storage bin. Police were shocked, she was the last culprit they suspected would step-up her crime spree.

(Does Florida just stay awake at night coming up with this shit?

Diva receiver, Dez Bryant, turned down a $21 mil. offer from the Baltimore Ravens and now all other offers have dried up. When they asked Dez's agent for a comment, Johnny Manziel declined.

A Colorado woman was arrested after she blew up a 7-Eleven's microwave heating up urine for a drug test. 

"How come none of us idiots thought of this first?" Asked the state of Florida.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather had designer shoes made for his dogs. The shoes are Nike. Not that Nike, this Nike stands for Nobody Intelligent Knowing Extravagance.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather had designer shoes made for his dogs. The designer shoe brand is WEHU. Which stands for Why Everybody Hates Us.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather bought his dog designer shoes. That story again, Floyd Mayweather has officially run out of ways to blow his money.

"I’ll donate a kidney. Eric, give her your kidney."

- What Donald Trump would say if he found out Melania needed a kidney transplant.

Monday, May 14, 2018

I got my eye on you, Jayquellenn, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

For the 14th time in ten years, a human foot in a running shoe has washed up on a Vancouver beach. The wildest coincidence is the name of the beach is Sneakers.

Truth be told, Ivanka thinks the Gaza Strip is an option for a bikini wax.

In a speech on Mother's Day, Donald Trump praised his late mother, but did not mention Melania. Trump's memory does not always Be Best.

A Florida man tried to hide his legless girlfriend, wanted for armed robbery, in a plastic storage bin. Ironically the woman is standing by her alibi.

For the 14th time in ten years, a severed foot in a running shoe has washed up on a Vancouver beach. Police are upset they cannot solve this and they are kicking themselves.

The Supreme Court struck down a ban on sports betting in New Jersey in a win for Chris Christie. Now Christie can place a bet to cover the spread. Covering the spread is something Christie's pants can't do.

For the 14th time in ten years, a human foot in a running shoe has washed up on a Vancouver beach. Police are out of step with this crime.

For the 14th time in ten years, a human foot in a running shoe has washed up on a Vancouver beach. Police cannot get a foothold on this crime.

The NHL has warned, Bruin, Brad Marchand, not to lick players anymore. Next time he does it he'll get more than a tongue-lashing.

Since you asked:

Saw the documentary on Elvis on HBO, “The Searcher.” Besides great, insightful and thoughtful interviews with Tom Petty, Bruce Springsteen and Emmylou Harris, I thought it was done on the cheap. Stock archival footage, cheap graphics. 

But the early Elvis stuff was amazing. Somehow Elvis’s worst enemy was his own fame and image. Lost was the fact that this was an amazing singer, performer and guitar player.

Never was a huge Elvis fan. Way too late the party. By the time I came along cool was the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin, Elvis was a Karate kicking Las Vegas snarling joke in a sequined jump suit with a ridiculous collar. Elvis desire to go back to gospel was always a rub for me. 

But that 1968 comeback TV special with Elvis in the black leather jacket jamming with his buddies was awe inspiring. His talent was boundless. It is nothing less than a tragedy that a cornball sleaze-bag like Colonel Parker took control of Elvis's career and steered it in all the sleaziest directions. Cheap trinkets, bad movies, Las Vegas.  

One thing the documentary pointed out was what a colossal prick and egomaniac Steve Allen was. To invite a sweet guy like Elvis on his show to humiliate him is unforgivable. 

And everyone who was great loved Elvis to pieces, Tom Petty, Bob Dylan, John Lennon, Bruce Springsteen, Bono. For both good and tacky, Elvis was the quintessential American hero. 

Radle, Whitlock, Clapton and Gordon

How brutal is rock and roll? 

Arguably the greatest rock and roll band ever convened never made it big.

Sure, there are fairly talentless bands* who find their own crappy niche, like Kiss and Jefferson Starship, but they are the exceptions. There are countless great, talented bands like Little Feet, Crazy Horse The Flying Burrito Brothers, who never made it big. 

Like I said, arguably the greatest band ever convened - and it is a strong argument - Derek and the Dominos never amounted to anything close to long term success.

After a crappy launch, their first album, “Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs” only started selling once “Layla” and “Bell Bottom Blues” finally got airplay. 

Bobby Whitlock is an amazing keyboard player, singer and songwriter - he did the piano on the end of “Layla” which the corda was written by Jim Gordon, to give you an idea of the level of musical talent. 

Jim Gordon, a great drummer, and Carl Radle, a great bass player, were probably the best rhythm section ever. And this observation was from Eric Clapton who played with Jack Bruce and Ginger Baker, also whom Clapton was endless and effusive in his praise.

The difference was Radle and Gordon played well together. Baker and Bruce fought each other tooth and nail.  

And you had some guy playing guitar for the Dominos named Eric Clapton. Nobody would argue that musically Derek and the Dominos were far better at their instruments than anyone including the Stones, Led Zeppelin and the Beatles.

(Many mistakenly think Derek stands for combining first names of Eric Clapton and Duane Allman. It does not. They came up with the name Derek before Duane played on their "Layla" album in Miami) 

The Dominos fell victim to bad luck running head-first into serious heroin addicton from Clapton and Radle. And then mental illness when Jim Gordon was diagnosed as schizophrenic after bludgeoning his mother to death in a psychotic rage. (He is still in a prison mental institution)  

Bobby Whitlock went on to have success as a session musician in Los Angeles while living on a farm in Mississippi and then Texas.

But you have to feel Whitlock was the real victim here. Clapton never wanted fame, he just could not avoid it. Most other people who try to become rock stars want to be famous. 

But Kiss and Jefferson Starship genuinely sucked and sucked hard. The could not have sucked harder if they had rubber lips. 

Hard to say who was the most under-talented and over-rated, Grace Slick or Gene Simmons. 

But we do know both are world-class assholes. (We know this from my part in a radio interview of each) 

For reasons nobody can explain, when it came to success and longevity, the Dominos just could not deliver.


*This is leaving out the intentionally and utterly talentless Punk Rock fiasco