Monday, February 19, 2018

On this President's Day, did you know that the young Abraham Lincoln invented Bed-Head? 

You got to skate away clean, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Today is President’s Day. Hopefully Donald Trump will get someone to pay attention to him.

Norway is dominating the Winter Olympics. And you thought Donald Trump wanted them to immigrate before? 

At the Olympics, a Russian curler tested positive for doping. Not only that, but now they think he corked his broom.

At the Olympics, a Russian curler tested positive for doping. Officials became suspicious when he started sweeping and broke through the ice to the cement underneath.

At the Olympics, a Russian curler tested positive for doping. Officials became suspicious when he threw a stone from South Korea to North Korea.

The US women’s hockey team advanced to the gold medal game against Canada. The US men’s hockey team lost 4-0 to Russia and will resume their careers as Chipotle health inspectors.

At the Olympics, the Canadian ice dancing pair of Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir skated to a score of the Rolling Stones, Santana and the Eagles. “That was a perfect 10,” said the year in 1976. 

In Australia, a Carnival Cruise tour was halted when 23 passengers were kicked off for fighting. This is what happens when you run out of bacon at the Midnight Buffet. 

The latest trend in Thailand is penis bleaching. Penis bleaching is available in three shades, from white to whitest: the The Snowboard Gold Medalist, The Cold Play and the whitest, The Eric Trump.

At the Olympics, a Russian curler tested positive for doping. Cheating at curling is like plagiarizing on a term paper about the evils of cheating.

The latest trend in Thailand is penis bleaching. For an extra fee, they can bleach your penis so white it can be named a member of Donald Trump’s cabinet.

The latest trend in Thailand is penis bleaching. Penis bleaching is available in three shades, from white to whitest: The Cross Country Skier, The Polka Dance, and the whitest, The Trump Cabinet. 

On “60 Minutes,” Sec. of State, Rex Tillerson, sidestepped the question did he call Donald Trump a moron. Nobody bought the explanation Tillerson was talking about one of Trump’s favorite bands, Maroon 5. 

In Australia, a Carnival Cruise tour was halted when 23 passengers were kicked off for fighting. It wasn’t so much fighting as it was aggressive jostling for position at the All-You-Can-Eat dessert bar.

When a skier suddenly fell at the Olympics for no reason, the announcer said he was bitten by a snow snake. Coincidentally, Snow Snake is the name of the company in Thailand that offers penis bleaching.

Since you asked:

Martin: Did you know, and this is pretty amazing, but I once saw Ringo Starr.

William: Where was that?

Martin: Kensington High Street. At least I think it was Ringo, um, it could have been that guy from Fiddler on the Roof. You know, Toppy.

William: Topol.

Martin: Yes... yes that's right, Topol.

William: Mmmhmmm. Actually, Ringo Starr doesn't- doesn't at all look like, uh, Topol.

Martin: Yes, but, he was- he was quite a long way away from me.

William: So it actually could've been neither of them.

Martin: Yes, I suppose, so.

William: It's not really a classic, anecdote, is it?

Martin: Not a classic, no.

 - "Knotting Hill" 

Thursday, February 15, 2018

The latest trend in Thailand is penis bleaching. The three shades of penis bleaching available, from darkest to lightest is the Justin Bieber, the Eric Trump, and then the whitest of all: the Mike Pence.

Any whiter than the Mike Pence and then it is called either the Invisible or the Vagina. 

My favorite part of Valentine’s Day is when Martha Stewart shows us how she used a shiv to make heart-shaped cuts in prison snitches.

A second “Charles in Charge” star, Alexander Polinski, is charging Scott Baio with sexual abuse. “This is huge news,” said the year 1990. 

In South Africa, lions killed a poacher eating everything but his head. And the craziest part? The lions took a picture with the head and sent it to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

There is an axe-throwing bar in Boston. Personally, I don’t think people should be boozing while throwing a heavy sharp blade attached to a handle, but that is not my axe to grind.

There is an axe-throwing bar in Boston. For a great time, go to the axe-throwing bar on Whisky and Machine Gun Night. 

At the Olympics, a Frenchman, Martin Fourcade, won the Biathlon Pursuit. Who would have guessed a guy from France would be so good at shooting and then getting away quickly?

A lawsuit claims Harvey Weinstein made assistants administer erectile dysfunction injections. The assistants felt mislead when Weinstein told them he would give them a raise.

Since you asked:

It is going to be easy to spot the good guys from the bad guys from now on, especially politicians. They're either for getting rid of AR 15's, or they're not. It is that simple. 

Monday, February 12, 2018

In South Africa, lions killed a poacher eating everything but his head.  This is known as a reverse Monica Lewinski.   

In South Africa, lions killed a poacher eating everything but his head. The lions are going to mount the head as soon as they finish building their fireplace.

There is an axe-throwing bar in Boston. Guys, whatever you do, do not go there on Free Circumcision Night.  

A lawsuit claims Harvey Weinstein’s made his assistants inject him with erectile dysfunction drugs. If he is not careful, this whole thing could get embarrassing for Harvey.

At the Olympics, US’s Chris Mazdzer won the silver medal for the Luge. That was the greatest performance by an American on their back since Hope Hicks got her job at the White House.

Producer, Quincy Jones claims Marlon Brando and Richard Pryor had an affair. And that is this week’s story in, “Everything I Thought About Hollywood Was a Lie.”

There is an axe-throwing bar in Boston. Drinking and axe-throwing. What could go wrong. Sounds like as good a combination as diarrhea and sneezing.

The Spice Girls are not having a reunion. They did not want the audience to see Baby Spice having hot-flashes on stage.

A lawsuit claims Harvey Weinstein made his assistants inject him with erectile dysfunction drugs. In other words, Weinstein had all of these sexual assaults while he was impotent. How did this guy have time to make a single movie?

Since you asked:

My visceral hatred of Donald Trump is not political. If you took the two most egotistical, stupid, sadistic, fat, ugly, lying assholes I've known, both with bad combovers, Aldo Pagano and Bob Felderman, and mushed them together in one lumpy, orange, smug douchebag, it would be Donald Trump.

Saturday, February 10, 2018

Pita Taufatofua, the oiled-up, shirtless Tongan athlete, marched in the Winter Olympics. Taufatofua is actually a Tongan word for "Katie Couric left you her hotel number."

Pita Taufatofua, the oiled-up, shirtless Tongan athlete, marched in the Winter Olympics. In a related story, Katie Couric is not getting her hotel cleaning deposit back due to the excessive coconut oil stains on her bed.

There was a 70-car pileup in a snowstorm in Iowa.There were more rear-endings than at a Kardashian Christmas party.

As Donald Trump was boarding Air Force One, a gust of wind exposed his bald head. Trump is calling this Fake ‘dos.   

George W. Bush believes the Russians meddled in our 2016 election.Nobody is sure, but you can get good odds in Vegas that the Russians meddled in Hope Hicks.

Happy 4th birthday to a child in Florida who was born at 14 pounds. Although his name is Avery Ford, it does not matter, his mother still is not speaking to him.

The Dow Jones was down over 1,000 points today. It is so serious, Donald Trump actually went to the trouble to ask what the Dow Jones was. 

There is a dating service for highly educated, smart singles called Elite Singles. If they’re so smart, how come they misspelled elated?  

Omarosa was on “Celebrity Big Brother” and she did not have nice things to say about Donald Trump’s presidency. There is a huge difference between Trump and Omarosa. One in an unqualified, loud, ex-reality show personality and the other one is Omarosa. 

Porn usage in New England shot up after the Patriots lost the Super Bowl. If people watch porn to comfort themselves when their football team loses, how does anyone get anything done in Cleveland? 

Since you asked: 

It Was The Best of Times, It Was The Bogusest of Times  

One Friday, a few years ago, I strapped my stand-up board to the top of my car and drove up the coast from San Diego to Santa Barbara. When I got to Santa Barbara, the police in charge of keeping out the unattractive people were on break and I scuttled in.

Before checking into my quaint hotel, a cross between a motor inn lodge and a bed & breakfast, with all the best of both, I checked the waves at Leadbetter beach by Santa Barbara City College. Normally by this time, 2:00 PM, the waves are blown out. Not today, calm and long rolling three foot waves.

So I paddled out to the point. There is almost nothing as intoxicating to me as the smell of Santa Barbara fog, eucalyptus, the ocean and a hint of tar. 

On one of my rides, I caught the wave just south of the point - Leadbetter is a point break surf spot - and rode it over 100 yards south. Did this about ten more times. 

Great session. 

Checked into my hotel, showered and took a nap that resembled time travel. When I closed my eyes for what seemed like a second, opened them up and it was 30 minutes later. And I was still physically tired, but mentally refreshed. 

Took another shower to get my money’s worth on hot water and towels, and headed out to get a drink at Joe’s Cafe. A drink that is stronger than Steve Bannon’s morning breath. It was a vodka tonic and I had to file a missing tonic report. 

After meeting some new best friends at Joe’s - you always do - I walked back to the hotel. After a call to check on my lively wife, Virginia, daughter, Ann Caroline and my-then puppy, Wally, I walked two blocks West in a golden sunset to the Brewhouse for the best ribeye steak in a red wine and mushroom reduction sauce with garlic mashed potatoes and fresh green beans in all of Santa Barbara. 

While I was finishing up my steak thinking how lucky I was on this day, three guys in a band were setting up on the small stage to play. When I asked them what kind of music they played, they said music to my ears. Rock and blues with some Neil Young thrown in. When I asked if I could sit-in and play on harmonica, they were delighted. Paid my dinner bill, walked back to my hotel, got my harmonica box with my 12 harmonicas in different keys, came back and played about ten songs with them.

Standing ovation, no lie. 

When I got back to my room, I poured a night-cap of Mount Gay Rum and Tonic, squeeze of lime - had to file my second missing tonic report of the day - turned on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,” and promptly heard three of my jokes in the monologue. (Wish I could remember what they were, but I do not) 

Just when I thought it could not get better, there was a knock on the door and Olivia Munn is asking if I can apply skin lotion to her back. OK, that is obvious BS. No, this was all good enough.

Like I said: the best of times.

The next morning, I was feeling the Joe’s drink and the red wine and the night cap, but I got an early start on surfing because I was meeting some old UCSB track friends for breakfast. 

While paddling out, I noticed I had forgotten to take off my favorite sunglasses of my life, prescription Ray Bans. So I put them in my board shorts pocket. 

When I got to the point, I fell and got tangled in thick rope- like kelp. When you fall in kelp and cannot move because your legs are wrapped up, all you can do is suddenly remember great white sharks like to cruise through kelp for the stealthy cover it provides.

This great white hunting trick revelation does not add a sense of calm when bound by kelp.

During the panic to get free from the kelp, I got hit by a wave and I swallowed a fair amount of sea water. Cold, tired and frustrated, I caught almost no waves. Checked my pocket and my sunglasses were gone. 

Rough session. But the bogusest of times were just getting starting. 

Shower, head to breakfast place on the water for a lovely brunch with great UCSB track people. But halfway through my eggs benedict, my stomach starts doing Michael Phelps kick turns. This is from the swallowed sea water. And maybe the wine and mushrooms. Either way, they wanted out. 


A smart man would have braved the crowded restaurant bathroom. But no, like with the towels and the hot water, I wanted to get my money’s worth of privacy from my hotel bathroom. 

You know how priorities - like filling your car’s tank - can quickly change from a C to an A?  Getting to my bathroom was now an A+ priority with potentially emotionally scarring laundry implications. 

Sweat was pouring down my face. Like when you are exhausted when running, I had to tell myself to get from one landmark to another. Just make it to that fence. Now that drinking fountain. That sign. That palm tree. 

Then I spotted the public bathroom 20 yards ahead. Hotel privacy be damned. If this thing had a hole that could flush, I was in. You know how your body can sense relief and begins to relax? That was what happened to me when I pushed on the bathroom door. 

It was locked. 

No. Not going to  happen. Cannot relax. This was my “Unbroken” moment without holding the big log. (Second thought, log might not be the best choice of words given my problem) 

Besides, I have virtually nothing but fond memories of my beloved Santa Barbara. Violently besmirching  my drawers in public would destroy that in  one nano-second. 

In a shuffle - because I did not want to introduce gravity and bouncing to the situation - I was slinking to my hotel bent-at-the-waist and scuffling my feet like Groucho Marx. By this time, I am in such discomfort, I have decided Lamaze breathing techniques were needed to get my mind off of things. 

In addition to counting-off my “who, who, who, hah, hah, hah,” breathing, I decided moaning out loud would help. This image of 225 pound sweaty 55-year-old man scuffling like Groucho and making animalistic grunting and moaning noises scared a Rockwellian family of four on their way to the beach half-to-death.  

"Mommy, why is that scary man sweating and moaning like that?" 

Did not care. Must. Make. It. To. Room. Who, who, who, hah, hah, hah. At this time, I made a mental note to learn butt-Kegel exercises to prevent a possible tragedy like this in the future. 

This part has a happy ending. Made it in the nickest of nick of times. 

However . . . 

Not to go into lurid details, but the weakest link in the chain of my hotel room was the inability of the toilet to flush much more that a Kleenex. That is what happened. Or, more accurately, what did not happen.

For the second fortunate thing all day, I heard the maid right outside my room. She was a lovely heavy-set Latino woman in her 40’s who did not speak one word of English.

Here is a great traveling tip: when trying to speak to someone, especially a middle-aged woman, who does not speak English, about your desperate need to borrow a plunger? Do not, repeat, do not make an up-and-down plunging motion with your fist. 

She looked me in sheer terror and yelled: 


(As I am sure you know, que is "what" in Spanish) 

We settled the whole misunderstanding without lawyers. I borrowed the plunger and fixed the problem. 

And happy hour at Joe’s started a little earlier that day.

Saturday, February 03, 2018

Badfinger - Baby Blue (1972)

Thursday, February 01, 2018

Good news, Patriots fans, Rob Gronkowski has been cleared from his concussion to play in the Super Bowl. Asked to comment, Gronk said, "My head is fine, I haven't felt this good since what were we talking about?" 

There was one mistake when they asked Gronkowski, #87, what his number was and he looked down and said, "78."

We're gonna slow the roll to the pole, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

L.A. Police have named Robert Wagner as a person-of-interest in the drowning of his wife, Natalie Wood. When I saw the news, I could not believe my pager.

L.A. Police have named Robert Wagner as a person-of-interest in the 40-year-old drowning of his wife, Natalie Wood. In a related story, Donald Trump has just cancelled his Catalina boat trip with Hope Hicks.

L.A. Police have named Robert Wagner as a person-of-interest in the 40-year-old drowning of his wife, Natalie Wood. For those not familiar, person-of-interest is a police term for “The bastard did it, we just have to prove it.”

L.A. Police have named Robert Wagner as a person-of-interest in the 40-year-old drowning of his wife, Natalie Wood. The LA police had time to work on this case after solving the killing of Konk the caveman by the sabertooth tiger at the La Brea tar pits.

CA rep., Maxine Waters, has proposed a child-warning prompt appear when Donald Trump is on TV. If politicians are not careful, they may start to seem a tad silly.

Virgin Airlines is offering a ‘love suite” on flights where couples can have sex on their flight to New York. Finally, the airlines are allowing us to screw ourselves for a change.

Since you asked:

Not a big car guy, but Twitter had #YourFirstVehicle and it sent me reminiscing. A fire engine red Dasher station wagon. I would throw a windsurfer in the back and sail in Santa Barbara Harbor. After, I would quaff beer and devour a burger at Derf’s. 

Heaven on earth.

It got me to playing the fastest way to drive yourself crazy, playing “What if?” 

Once I casted out the unrealistic scenarios of being an NFL player - thanks to an asshole high school football coach making me play on a torn hamstring - and surgeon, movie star and rock star, I settled into a more realistic scenario.

What if I had known about my tight muscles and stretched more? And what if I had not been such a douche about not studying in high school? Honestly, I could have conceivably gotten into UCLA or even Stanford and competed in the decathlon. 

Afterwards, a dream career would have been a combination of sports writing and or sports casting. 

Well, when I think about it, going to UCSB, training for the decathlon and writing comedy is not that far off on paper. In fact, in most ways better. Stanford did not have the great Sam Adams as a coach, and therefore the greatest people I have ever met, the folks with whom I trained. 

And either way, I could not ask for more than being the father of my amazing daughter, Ann Caroline. 

Got to admit, realizing that feels pretty good. 

But, anyway I slice it, that wedge-style haircut when I got married was a freaking mistake. Sorry to my lovely bride, Virginia. 

At UCSB, I knew about ten Hope Hicks. When Donald Trump tries to Scaramucci his side-piece, Hope Hicks?, she will not go quietly into that good night. We’re talking full Gloria Allred press conference. Tears and ehh-eeee-thang.  

Did everyone see Melania’s expressions during the SOTU? If you had snuck a piece of coal under Melania’s seat, each time Trump mentioned the importance of love and family, by the end of the speech, Melania would have had a diamond under her ass.

Actually saw a comedy scene on TV that had neither Fred Armisen, Patton Oswalt, Will Farrell, nor Sara Silverman. They are sending it off to the vaults at the Smithsonian.

Newest Bucket-List Items:

Sucking the head of a huge shrimp in a Lisbon sidewalk cafe after stand up paddle board surfing all morning. Massive quantities of port consumption to follow after playing harmonica in a blues band in a cozy bar.

Reducing a vaping Silver Lake hipster with a neckbeard to hot girlie tears with my withering sarcasm. (Oh, come on, everybody hates vaping Silver Lake hipsters with neckbeards) 

Grilling tri-tip for my daughter and her roommates in San Luis Obispo after watching their track practice. 

Flying on a private jet while drinking an Old Style beer and eating a In-N-Out burger. 

Stand Up Paddle boarding around Alcatraz followed by a juicy steak dinner in North Beach. 

(Sorry drinking champagne in a Jacuzzi with Victoria Secret models in a hilltop villa in Montecito, you'll just have to wait) 

One of the the funny things that becomes readily apparent when you see these Washington talking heads interviewed on CNN is that it turns into a battle for the clever metaphors. 

“Well, Jake, this bill before congress is the prom, everybody wants to get invited, but nobody wants to end up pregnant neither.”

That is the other thing about homilies, bad grammar is a plus.

“This ain’t this here congressman’s first rodeo no how.” 

Sports are also a great option;

“So far the democrats are bowling a 7-10 split and they need the pick up, but it will not be easy.”  “It’s the fourth quarter, Ted, and the republicans need a hail Mary.”

Southern and Texas politicians have always been revered for their homey and country bromides; 

“This proposal is slicker than quail poop on a river rock.”

“When the fox is in the hen house ain’t no time to be yellin’ about how many broken eggs you got.”

"No point in going to the barn dance if you're not going to kick the butter churn." 

Let’s see a bit more creativity to liven things up, like,

“Hell, we’re just trying to revise the bill, we don’t have to clean up after murdering a hooker,” is one from “Sh*t My Dad Says,” that will raise a few eyebrows.

Luckily, nobody was hurt on the train, but when 100 republican congressmen were in a train wreck right after a government shut-down with a republican congress and president, even Betsy DeVos had to think that was ironic. 

And Betsy DeVos thinks ironic is an injury you get from too much ironing.

Just once, I would like to see a political pundit come back from a 4 martini lunch, get on TV and just make crap up for fun;

“This Russia investigation is really a Kansas City barbwire bowtie on a bull’s scrotum, Anderson.”

"Yeah, Mike, just because you're at the zoo and the monkey threw poop on you, that does not mean you have to get your gallbladder removed." 

“Chris Cuomo, what we have is a real basset hound-hump on a beehive. Congress hasn’t been this messed up since grammie smoked crack and jumped the UPS guy.”

Or combine sports and hick talk;

"Sally, the democrats are trying to dress up a barn owl as a baboon and that is not going to get the bobsled out of Jamaica." 

Or just go total made up BS rogue on your ass;

"Sometimes the best skankwaddle is the bersmitten flank loodle." 

Made up poker crap always sounds smart,

"Megyn, if you have a pocket deuce, you don't snap dragon the flop with a parrot squeezer without a suicide King." 

Go weird if you have to; 

“Don Lemmon, this investigation is crazier than when the substitute teacher got drunk and showed our history class a porno.” 

Bring in some classic jokes if you have to; 

“Phil, it seems like the housewife screwed the postman and gave him his cake, but she forgot to give him a dollar.” 

Or quotes from movies, like paraphrasing “Full Metal Jacket,”;

“Yes, Jake, the voters just gave the Alabama republicans one right in the tail-pipe and they did not have the damn courtesy to give them a reach-around.”

Or "Blazing Saddles;"

"Trump did not get a harrumph out of that guy and he better watch his ass." 

Sure, you might get fired from your consulting job, but it would be memorable.