Monday, November 20, 2017


In football, USC beat UCLA 28-23. As you know, UCLA now stands for Unabashedly Confiscating Lenswear in Asia.

The father, LaVar, can’t go a day without an idiotic statement, LiAngelo  was caught stealing sunglasses in China and Lonzo is shooting below .300% for the Lakers. For a family named Ball, they sure are not on one.



Donald Trump tweeted for the suspension of Oakland Raider, Marshawn Lynch, for sitting during the National Anthem and standing during the Mexican anthem. Trump also wants to build a wall between Marshawn and his dred-locks. 



New York Giant, Jason Pierre-Paul got hurt, but rose to his feet and gave his teammates a high-three.




Police arrested a man attempting to jump the White House pedestrian barrier. Turns out it was Jared Kushner trying to get out.


USC hung on to beat UCLA, 28-23. This was shades of classic USC-UCLA games, and quite a spectacle, UCLA tried to steal the game, but got caught.


For college football, ESPN has an announcer named Booger McFarland. Booger’s new so he’s a little green, but he did not blow it. And he did pick a winner without being snotty about it.


Good news. The missing Argentinian submarine tried to contact satellites. Things were looking so bleak for a while, they almost changed the name of the sub from San Juan to the Cleveland Browns.



A Navy pilot has been grounded for sky-drawing a penis. The pilot swears he was just trying to draw a portrait of Bill Cosby.





After the UCLA basketball players sunglasses shoplifting fiasco in China, the UCLA-USC football game is the Ray-Ban Bowl. USC shades towards being the favorite, but UCLA will try and steal the game. Hopefully it won’t be a spectacle.  




The Atlanta Falcons are demolishing the Georgia Dome so there will be no trace of where they played. “Wait. You can do that?” Asked Cleveland Browns fans. 


Friday, November 17, 2017

In Wa, a Navy pilot is in trouble for drawing a penis in the sky. He is especially in trouble because the air show was titled, “Tribute to our Commander in Chief.” 




The newest country hit takes a shot at NFL anthem protestors called, “Take a Knee, My Ass.” Because if there is an effective way to reach the African American players who knelt, it is with a country music song.


An Uber driver claims a drunk Tampa Bay Bucs, Jameis Winston, grabbed her crotch. In his defense, Winston claims he was just doing a Donald Trump impression.



A Navy pilot is in trouble for smoke-drawing a penis in the sky. Or so said a member of the joint penal staff. 

(See? Member, penal, joint and staff are all dick nicknames) 



An Uber driver claims a drunk Tampa Bay Bucs, Jameis Winston, grabbed her crotch. Well, at least this time he did not get the crabs.


A search is underway for a missing Argentine submarine. The sub has not been seen since it stopped into port to be fitted with a sunroof.


The term for this increase in sexual assault is called the Harvey Effect. Do not confuse this with the Weinstein Effect. That is the need for an actress to take a Silkwood shower.


A Navy pilot is accused of drawing a penis in the sky. Or as the Navy calls that, “The Cosby Maneuver.” 


An Uber driver claims a drunk Tampa Bay Bucs, Jameis Winston, grabbed her crotch. In his defense, Winston claims he was just directing her to the Pussycat Lounge. 


Former White House Communications Director, Anthony Scaramucci, is in talks with publishers for a book deal on his ten days before getting fired. The working title is “The Mooch Screwed the Pooch.” 


“People” has come out with their World’s Sexiest Men issue and I am proud to say I am in it. I am right in between Steve Bannon and Sarah Huckabee Sanders.


Sen. Al Franken admitted he groped a female disc jockey in 2006. But they did not have sex. In other words, Al kissed her, but he did not put his Franken.



Hunter Day, a 22-year-old Oklahoma teacher, was charged with having sex with a male student. School authorities became suspicious about Hunter Day when her student told his friends he was going to get the Day off.



It is the third anniversary of when a Delta flight from Cleveland to New York took off with just two passengers. And yet the flight attendant was somehow able to hit both of them in the knee with the beverage cart.


Former White House Communications Director, Anthony Scaramucci, is in talks with publishers for a book deal on his ten days before getting fired. He lasted ten days.  He should be looking for a pamphlet deal. 



Former White House Communications Director, Anthony Scaramucci, is in talks with publishers for a book deal on his ten days before getting fired.  The working title: “The Mooch Smooched Trump’s Caboose And Was Still Let Loose.” 

Other Scaramucci book title ideas:

“Dude, Where’s My Career?”

“Putting the Scary In Scaramucci for 240 Hours.” 


It Could Be Worse

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Gimme one mo' kiss, mamma, just before I go, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


“People” names Blake Shelton Sexiest Man Alive. Again last night, Ryan Gosling cried himself to sleep on his bed of super models. 



Sen. Al Franken has been accused of molesting a woman in her sleep in 2006. Al, why would you do that? You’re good enough, you’re smart enough and, darn it, people like you.





“People” names Blake Shelton Sexiest Man Alive. Sorry. But unless Blake Shelton rips off his rubber mask to reveal he is Blake Lively, he is not sexier than the exterminator who comes to tent your place.





A 2,000-year-old book claims Jesus was married. This explains how he turned water into wine. “Jesus, honey, you remembered to get the wine for mother’s party, right?” “Um, yeah, uh, just give me a second to go get it.” 




“People” names Blake Shelton Sexiest Man Alive. Chris Pine has never been “People” Sexiest Man Alive. Apparently “People” let the executives at Chipotle pick the Sexiest Man this year.


“People” named Blake Shelton Sexiest Man Alive. Tough title to uphold. “Hey, sexiest man alive, you spilled pumpkin latte in your Justin Bieber t-shirt.” 




“The Washington Post” fact-checker claims Donald Trump has lied an average of 5.5 times a day since being in office. Or as Trump calls lies: Fake Truths. 




Sylvester Stallone accused of sexually assaulting a 16-year-old girl. You know a celebrity is having rough publicity when Charlie Manson is getting better press.


“People” named Blake Shelton Sexiest Man Alive. Tough title to uphold. “Hey, sexiest man alive, sorry, but your coupon for Preparation H has expired.” 




“People” named Blake Shelton Sexiest Man Alive. “That is a great honor, Mr. Shelton, but it does not entitle you to free nachos here at Hooters.” Said Blake’s waitress. 


Sylvester Stallone denies he had sex with a 16-year-old girl. Sly said, “It never happened.”Or, “It noble harp bend,” we couldn’t tell.




Donald Trump tweeted that the Al Franken sex harassment pictures are bad. Of course Trump thinks they’re bad, Al doesn’t come close to grabbing her pussy.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017



A couple of angels on earth giving one another smooches, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Blake Shelton was named “People’s” Sexiest Man Alive. Who was second? Anne Burrell? 




The three UCLA basketball players, detained in China for shoplifting, returned to campus and held a press conference that got off to a shaky start when they said,

“We’re just here so we don’t get fined.” 





Blake Shelton was named “People’s” Sexiest Man Alive. And once again, the Sexiest Man Not Alive is Keith Richards.



Blake Shelton was named “People’s” Sexiest Man Alive. Apparently Ryan Gossling lost because of Hillary Clinton’s emails.



“The Washington Post” fact-checker claims Donald Trump has lied 5.5 times a day since he has been President. Or as Trump calls lies, “Fake Trues.” 



Donald Trump tweeted he saved the three shoplifting UCLA basketball players ten years in a China prison. Melania said they can thank her. All they have to do is promise to play her three-on-one in private. 



A drunk OJ Simpson was banned for life from a Las Vegas bar. Now there are two Nobel Peace Prize nominees, the guy at Twitter who closed Trump’s account and the guy who tossed OJ from a bar.



Blake Shelton was named “People’s” Sexiest Man Alive. Apparently Chris Hemsworth did not campaign in Wisconsin or Michigan.



Blake Shelton was named “People’s” Sexiest Man Alive and Donald Trump is president. Time for Kim Kardashian to announcer her Think Tank.



Blake Shelton was named “People’s” Sexiest Man Alive. Really? He’s not even the sexiest man alive Gwen Stefani has dated.



Blake Shelton was named “People’s” Sexiest Man Alive. Tough title to uphold. “Hey, sexiest man alive, you’ve got a stream of toilet paper stuck on your boot.” 



Blake Shelton was named “People’s” Sexiest Man Alive. Blake Shelton? Sexiest Man Alive working at Ace Hardware, maybe.



Tuesday, November 14, 2017

The three UCLA basketball players, detained in China for shoplifting sunglasses, are on a flight home. They came perilously close to going from a Nike shoe contract to being a contractor making Nike shoes. 

Three freakishly tall African Americans in China. How on earth did they ever get caught?


The three UCLA basketball players, detained in China for shoplifting sunglasses, are on a flight home. They should be back and not going to class in no time.

You know UCLA students messed up when even USC students are making jokes about how dumb they are.


The three UCLA basketball players, detained in China for shoplifting sunglasses, are on a flight home. Customs will ask them, “Do if they have anything to declare besides your stupidity?” 




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In the Buffalo’s 47-10 loss to the Saints, a streaker ran for more yards than the Bills’ offense. The streaker could face lewdness charges. On the bright side, the streaker was signed today by the Cleveland Browns.


In the Buffalo Bills 47-10 loss to the New Orleans Saints, a streaker ran for more yards than the Bills’ offense. It is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Bills since anyone mentions the name OJ Simpson.

Next week, the Cleveland Browns are going to play a naked dude. 


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The Miami Dolphins who were crushed by the Carolina Panthers, 45-21. Jay Cutler left the broadcast booth for the Dolphins. Might be the worst move a broadcaster made since Brian Williams lied about getting shot at in Iraq.  


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Donald Trump tweeted he will be giving us a major statement when he returns to the White House. Apparently Trump's new press agent is Ryan Seacrest.


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A San Diego male high school teacher was mildly reprimanded for sending cutsy texts to a 17-year-old female student after 11 PM.  "What harm can come from texting an underage girl?" Asked Anthony Wiener in prison. 


Since you asked:

We have a woman on this block who may be too much of a bitch to drive a car. She flies backward out of her driveway, swings right and has almost hit about ten cars. And when the other car slams on their brakes and hits their horn, she screams obscenities at them like it was there fault for being in her way. This is time stamp for when she does (god forbid) hit someone. 


Monday, November 13, 2017

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A drunk and unruly OJ Simpson was banned for life from a Las Vegas bar. He threw a nasty fit, so OJ they had to omit.

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A drunken and unruly OJ Simpson was kicked out of a Las Vegas bar for life. It was a little ironic, part of the reason OJ was kicked out was due to his ugly-ass shoes.

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A drunken and unruly OJ Simpson was kicked out of a Las Vegas bar for life. The name of the bar is “The Real Killers.” 

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There was a streaker at the Buffalo Bills game. “Don’t look at me, I’m in prison,” said Anthony Weiner.

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Three years ago, the door to a jet U2’s Bono was on flew off. They’ve been searching for the door ever since, but they still haven’t found what they’re looking for.

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There was a streaker at the Buffalo Bills game. The streaker could be charged with public lewdness, disorderly conduct and 60,000 charges of sexual harassment. 


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A drunk and unruly OJ Simpson was banned for life from a Las Vegas bar. If the behavior is lacking, he will be sent packing.

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Sean Combs, aka, Puff Daddy, aka, P. Diddy, is changing his name again, this time to Brother Love. Better than his other idea: Covfefe CK.

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A drunken and unruly OJ Simpson was kicked out of a Las Vegas bar for life. OJ was drinking a drink that is a combination of a sloe gin fizz, a white Russian and a Bronco Sunset called a sloe, white Bronco.

Hey ohhhhhhhhh.




Sunday, November 12, 2017

There was a streaker at the Buffalo Bills game. The streaker could be charged with indecent exposure, public intoxication, and, due to the cold, returning to second grade without a permission slip.

There was a streaker at the Buffalo Bills game. It was so cold, the announcer described the streaker’s shrinkage: “He’s at 30, he’s in high school, he’s in elementary school, he could go all the way to kindergarten.”


There was a streaker at the Buffalo Bills game. For the love of decency, get some help, Louis CK.



There was a streaker at the Buffalo Bills game. It was so cold, security had trouble catching him. They did not have anything to hang on to.



(Who had 43 days in the OJ pool?) 

A drunken and unruly OJ Simpson was kicked out of a Las Vegas bar for life. It was the first time a bar’s patron’s life-expectancy went up.



A drunken and unruly OJ Simpson was kicked out of a Las Vegas bar for life. How drunk do you have to be to get kicked out of a Las Vegas bar for life? Charlie Sheen has never been kicked out of a Las Vegas bar.


A drunken and unruly OJ Simpson was kicked out of a Las Vegas bar for life. How drunk do you have to be to get kicked out of a Las Vegas bar for life? The guys in “The Hangover” brought Mike Tyson’s tiger to a bar, and they did not get kicked out.


A drunken and unruly OJ Simpson was kicked out of a Las Vegas bar for life. It made everyone nervous when OJ kept ordering Bloody Marys.




Since you asked:


Louis CK’s chances of his career being graveyard dead, to use a Southern expression used by the great sportswriter, Dan Jenkins, are about 50-50.

Bill Cosby is graveyard dead. Louis CK did five awful things, but he did not rape anyone, as my former idol Cosby did. 50 times. 

And even beyond the unthinkable horrific acts Cosby pulled, on a more pragmatic level, Cosby was a full-blown asshole to everyone before the charges were known. The term Messianic does not cover it. Louis CK, on the other hand, is a nice guy by all accounts. (If you’re not an attractive struggling female comedian)

And Louis CK coming clean in his admission is huge and a brilliant move. That, and is raw talent, is what gives him a 50-50 chance of coming back. Louis CK's scandal is worse than Hugh Grant's and not nearly as bad as Bill Cosby. 50-50.

Still, there is no downplaying how awful what Louis CK did to those female comics. As Judd Apatow put it so well, the worst part might be that he destroyed their dreams. 

While not close to being a victim of sexual harassment, I do know how awful it feels when a celebrity comedian destroys your dreams. It is beyond horrific. It haunts your thoughts constantly. 

When a famous comedian breaks your dreams, it's as if your sense of humor, the one thing you could always count on, has contracted an endless case of the flu.

In other words, it makes you literally ill. 



There are a lot of stories of people who are down to their last dime and turn things around and get rich. The guy who founded Fed Ex flew to Las Vegas when he had half the money he needed to make payroll, and put it all on red. If he hadn’t won, we would be waiting a lot longer for the US mail to deliver our packages. 

These stories of being famine and then feast are big in Hollywood. Heath Ledger said he would go back to Australia when he was down to his last $100. He got to his last $100 before he got his first movie. (Not sure how he would have afforded the flight had he not) 

Jim Carey bragged a little too much to his Canadian parents about making it big and getting a big role. Next thing he knew he had his parents living with him in his tiny little Hollywood studio. His dad was watching TV in his underwear all day when the electricity got turned off.

David Letterman’s only income, when he started at the Comedy Store, was the tips he got from a little old lady in his building when he would pile her wheel chair in the back of his truck and drive her to the doctor. Letterman’s then wife, Michelle, was paying the rent as a temp. And Dave had been a fairly successful local TV weatherman in Indianapolis describing hail the size of canned hams.

Matt LeBlanc was down to his last $20 when he got Joey on “Friends.” The list goes on and on to the point where you might start to think that the secret of success is to go broke. There is, it would seem, magic in that last dollar. 

Jay Leno got a ticket as a vagrant for sleeping in his car on Santa Monica Blvd, five feet from where his star would eventually be placed. 

One of the expressions that drives me crazy, when you find something that was lost, is “It’s always in the last place you look.” Well, duh. You’re not going to keep looking for something after you find it. 

“Let’s see, I found my car keys, but I am going to check the cushions in the couch on more time, just in case.” 

That is the case with the stories of people who get rich after being down to their last dollar. It’s always in the last place you look is about as dumb as thinking you got rich because you were down to your last dime. 

You just never hear about the countless millions who stayed broke. Those stories are not as compelling;

"Yes, my little grandson, I was down to my last one dollar bill."

"Then what happened, Grandpa, did you hit it big?"

"No, I had to move in here with your folks. What are you, stupid? Hey son, I think your kid may be an idiot." 

Speaking of idiots, my idiotic misperception of my being able to grasp the theoretical concept of money can be summed up with this example: 

We were leaving Las Vegas after my daughter’s soccer tournament. (Her team won) We stopped to look at then-trendiest casino, The Palms. (My old favorite in my reckless youth, the Hard Rock Casino, had recently been hijacked by the Kardashian-wanna-be crowd. In other words, we were too old) 

Someone in our group pointed out a roped-off casino room on the side that was empty. It was for celebrities so they could gamble in private without being hounded by fans or the paparazzi. It was just an empty casino with about ten blackjack tables and three craps tables and a huge bar in the front. Kind of like that banquet room in “The Shining” with the scary ghost bartender, Lloyd. (Did that guy ever get a job in movies again?) 

The closest  blackjack table had a $10,000 minimum bet sign on the table. When I asked a security guy if that was a joke, he assured me that the bets were usually much higher, but, yes, $10,000* was the minimum bet at that table.

Ten minutes and a half-mile later, while getting gas for the trip home to San Diego, I gave the gas station cashier a $100 bill for sunflower seeds and a bottle of water. The guy lost his mind with fury in broken English yelling:

“How dare you are be making me break a hundred? Who in the hecks do you think you are being, a wiser guy?”

How can there be anyplace on the planet where they kick you off a table if you don’t bet $10,000 half-a-mile from a gas station that cannot break a $100? 


*Side story on the $10,000 bet. 

On "E," they asked a guy who was in charge of taking care of whales in a Las Vegas casino - whales are big shots who bet tens of millions per visit - who was the biggest asshole he ever had to deal with?  (And he dealt with people who demanded their private jets be painted pink) He did not hesitate: 

Barbra Streisand. 

Barbra was performing at their casino and he was in charge of keeping her happy which was not, as it would turn out, possible. Babs demanded the toilet seats be replaced each day. Every item of food that was delivered was sent back five or six times including a lobster. 

How do you not boil a lobster correctly?

 All this while, Barbra herself refused to talk to the casino guy who was trying to take care of her. He had to go through Bab's assistants who were often off in another room crying after being fired. He said Barbra fired three assistants on her two-day weekend there.

Then one night after her show, Barbra and her entourage appeared in the celebrity-only casino. She waltzed up and placed a $5 dollar chip on the blackjack table where the minimum bet was $10,000. Having heard about how awful Ms. Streisand had been to the staff, and also because she was a superstar, the dealer did not correct her and dealt the hand. When he busted, he gave everyone else their $10,000 plus in chips and gave Ms. Streisand her $5 chip. 

Barbra Streisand looked disgusted at her two $5 chips and lost her ever-loving, golden-voiced mind. She started screaming,

“What do you think you’re doing? You’re a thief. You owe me money. I saw you give everyone else more than $10,000. Where is my money?” 

They could not get it across to Babs that she could only be paid what she bet. She saw the $10,000 minimum sign and concluded that is what they had to pay on each bet, even a $5 dollar bet. (That is being dumber about money than me) 

Babs threw such a tantrum, they had to call security and the head of the casino. They finally had to agree to give her $10,000 before she would agree to leave. They then posted a guard at the door with orders to not let her in.

P.S. When this story came out on “E,” Barbra Streisand sued the casino and “E” for slander. 

Don’t you hate litigious people? 



Saturday, November 11, 2017


"It Might Get Loud"

Even a blind squirrel find a nut every now and again, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Vladimir Putin’s name is trending on Twitter. Please tell me he sexually harassed Melania Trump.



Richard Dryfuss’s son, Harry, claims Kevin Spacey groped him when he was 18. And Richard Dreyfuss has been accused of exposing himself to a female writer. On the count of three, Hollywood, everyone get your hands out of someone else’s pants. One, two, three.

Oh, come on Louis CK. Really? 



Since you asked:

Do want to hear one of the great ironies of music? Muzak, yes, the only form of music hated more than disco, gave us arguably the greatest band in rock and roll.

Just saw, for the third time, the great guitar legend documentary, “It Might Get Loud.” (It is available on Netflix) Amazing stuff. In terms of talent, I rank Jimmy Page alone in first with the Edge and Jack White neck-and-neck for second. 

The Edge is the most technically savvy in terms of using technology for his advantage. He once built an electric guitar from scratch as a 14-year old. He wants the gear to give him every advantage it can.

Jack White is the opposite. If it was up to Jack White, all music would be performed into and listened to on two rusty Campbell’s soup cans attached to a dirty string. 

Jimmy Page is a gentleman in the middle. He did invent the two-neck rock guitar (It had only existed in country music as a combo banjo/guitar) for “Stairway to Heaven.” 

But how did Muzak give us the greatest rock band? At about age 17, Jimmy Page was happily the most successful guitarist at London’s Olympic Studios performing on “Goldfinger” and “Thunderball.” 

After almost dying of the flu from coming out of steamy bars and into the freezing equipment truck to play in a band at bars, young Jimmy found the studio work guitar heaven.

And then the studio started recording Muzak and Jimmy could not take it. He quit and started the Yardbirds and then Led Zeppelin. 

The best part was watching these three great musicians turn into doe-eyed fans of each other’s work. 

Having played in bands and watching rock documentaries, it is surprising to me how little fundamental music theory enters into things. Yes, they all know the keys, chords and basic timing terms. Very few rock stars read music. They don’t need to with the invention of recording equipment. It is all about the ear.

There is no technical music term for the scratchy sound on the guitar on “Satisfaction.” No way to write down the haunting echo of the drums on "When the Levee Breaks." 

In fact, music terms are about as important to rock stars as driving directions are to Indy 500 racers. “Go fast, turn left, turn left again, turn left again, keep doing that for 500 miles.”

As a harmonica player who needs to have the right key harmonica for each different song, it surprised and delighted me that almost all rock bands set lists list the key the song is in up top. (Most rock songs are in one key. Noted exception, "Layla." 

In my experiences in music, bands, comedy and writing, you will always run into scared little nerd stiffs, or experts, as they call themselves, who insist on breaking everything down into cold hard equations. The fact is, most of what is good in life lives outside of the equations. 

Whoa. May have just wrote something good there. You know what they say: Even a blind squirrel find a nut now and again.