Monday, January 22, 2018

“I Can’t Tell You Why,” the Eagles have never won a Super Bowl, but if they “Take it Easy” against the Patriots, their game will be nothing but “Wasted Time” and they’ll be “Already Gone” by halftime. They have to “Take it to the Limit,” “In the City,” of Minneapolis to avoid a “Heartache Tonight” on game day.



Saturday, January 20, 2018

I got the squeaks, I got the sqwanks, I got the stinks and the stanks, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



Sen. Chuck Schumer said negotiating with Donald Trump was like negotiating with Jell-O. Look for Trump's next book, "The Art of the Congeal." 




Kanye and Kim named their daughter Chicago West. They were going to name her after Kim's mom, but Publicity Whore just did not have the same ring.



Rumor has it Tom Brady's hand injury is far worse than the Patriots are telling us. It hurt so much, Brady had to have someone else deflate the balls.




David Beckham has released a line of male grooming products. The #1 male grooming tip? Be born looking like David Beckham.



Rumor has it Tom Brady's hand injury is pretty bad. The Patriots are trying to deflate this story.






Friday, January 19, 2018


The tilty-head is dirty pool, Wally and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers




England has a gym where the exercise class naps for 45 minutes. It’s called “The Cleveland Browns’ Workout.”


New England Patriot's Tom Brady has injured his hand. It is pretty serious. When he wins the Super Bowl, he may have to put the ring on a different finger.




England has a gym where the exercise class naps for 45 minutes. It’s called “Napercise.” It is endorsed by Dr. Ben Carson. 


England has a gym where, for $50, the exercise class naps for 45 minutes. Or as it is also called: being ripped off.



Race car driver, Danica Patrick, is dating Packers QB, Aaron Rodgers. Which is surprising for Rodgers when you consider Danica’s checkered past.



It looks like the US Government will be shut down. Oh my word, do you know what this means? No, really, does anyone know what this means?



It looks like the US Government will be shut down. This means if you drive to a national park this weekend, there won’t be anyone there to take your money. You’ll have to go in for free.



Porn Star, Stormy Daniels, is writing a book about her alleged affair with Donald Trump. The working title is, “50 Shades of Covfefe.” 


Russia has been banned from the Winter Olympics for doping. The Russian women’s hockey team have grown protest beards.



In Newark, Chris Christie was caught by TSA trying to sneak through airport security. Christie set off the alarm with the two canned hams he was sneaking in his pants.


Homeland Security Sec., Kirstjen Nielsen, claimed she did not know Norway was white. Really? Because I think the word Kirstjen is Norwegian for Caucasian.



Kanye and Kim have named their baby girl Chicago West. To which Chicago said, “Haven’t we suffered enough with the Bears?” 




Kanye and Kim have named their baby girl Chicago West. They wanted to name the baby where it was conceived, so it was either Chicago or Olive Garden Bathroom.



Random Lex’s. 

It takes everything I have, when I watch the Apple iPod commercial with the little brat who wisecracks, “What’s a computer?” not to yell, “Don’t talk back, missy.”

Fellow “This Is Us,” fans. Are we more than a little tired of poor, handsome Kevin whining about crap? 

It will be a New England and Vikings Super Bowl in Minnesota and the Vikings will need that advantage.

It's the one year anniversary of Trump's time in office and the government is about to shut down. That's like being in your job performance review and offering the reviewer a shot from you flask.

In a recent "Modern Family" episode that featured a guest appearance by James Van Der Beek,  Mitchell mistook Van Der Beek's character for a surprise "gift" from his partner, Cam. Not to be a prude, but that utterly creeped me out. Is that something we are to assume hip married gay guys do? Buy each other prostitutes? Blaahch. 

Is there a more depressing lyric line in rock than “Oh yeah, life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone?” Besides Blue Oyster Cult advising teenage suicide in “Don’t Fear the Reaper,” of course. Thank you, John P. Cougar Diddy Mellencamp. 

Thinking of moving to Lisbon to write comedy, play harmonica and stand up surf and eat fresh seafood and drink enough port to make me forget my pin number. Who’s with me?







Thursday, January 18, 2018

Spank me harder, Stormy Daniels Roll the "Forbes" up in a tube Lay me down across your lap now And please don't forget the lube Sung to "Tiny Dancer."
Donald Trump cheated on Melania with porn star, Stormy Daniels, right after Barron was born. President Jimmy Carter got in far worse trouble for admitting he lusted in his heart.



A Philadelphia Eagles fan was arrested for punching a police horse. It was serious. The horse had to undergo concussion protocol. But the horse tested higher than Patriot, Rob Gronkowski, so he’s OK.



“InTouch” magazine revealed an interview where Story Daniels reveals salacious details of sex with Donald Trump. Said Trump, “It’s a lie. I’ve never eaten a salacious in my life.”



Happy Winnie the Pooh Day. Donald Trump celebrated Winnie the Pooh day by running around with his head in a honey pot and not wearing pants.



New England Patriot, Rob Gronkowski, did a PSA to stop kids from eating Tide Pods. When we need Gronk to be our voice of reason? We’re in way worse trouble than I thought.



Porn star, Stormy Daniels, described sex with Donald Trump as unmemorable. So I am guessing the term Bigly did not come up.



Donald Trump had his presidential physical with Dr. Ronny Jackson, who proclaimed Trump was a healthy 6.3, 239. In addition, Jackson announced Trump will be starting for the New England Patriots Sunday at outside linebacker.




Donald Trump cheated on Melania, right after Barron was born, with a porn star, Stormy Daniels. And yet Trump is still married. Maybe he is a genius.


Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Try and walk away cool, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



Happy 96th Birthday to Betty White. Or as Larry King calls Betty: his trophy wife. 

(Also the third anniversary of this joke)



Porn star, Stormy Daniels, described the sex with Donald Trump as “textbook generic.” On the bright side, it is the first time the word textbook and Trump have appeared together.


Donald Trump passed his first presidential physical. Unfortunately, the schnauzer on his head had to get a distemper shot.


The more barren Eastern areas of California want succeed and form New California. New California. New California’s motto is: “Give me liberty or give me meth. Second thought, screw liberty, just give me the meth.”   


Eric Trump defended his father by saying he is not a racist. Said Eric, “He hates me and I am as white as it gets.” 



Steve Bannon has been subpoenaed to testify to the House Intelligence Committee. The House Intelligence Committee is stocking up on Glade Air Freshener.  



A Philadelphia Eagle fan was arrested for punching a police horse. Thought it was mean how, when they read his ten day sentence, the judge stomped out the ten with his foot.

The judge asked him if he pleaded guilty, yay or neigh.

This wasn't even his mane offense.

Now he will be saddled with a record. 

#DadJokes



After a 35-year ban, Saudi Arabia is allowing movies again. They started with “Star Wars: The Last Jihad.” 



“InTouch” magazine claims porn star, Stormy Daniels, described the sex with Donald Trump as “textbook generic.” “What are two words Betsy DeVos does not know, Alex?” 



Porn Star, Stormy Daniels, described having sex with Donald Trump as, “Ugh, here we go.” Coincidentally, “Ugh, here we go,” is what Trump’s talking gold toilet says each day. 



Since you asked:



No lie, when I moved to New York in July circa 1983, I swore I would train for and run in the New York Marathon on the fifth of November. 

The day of the race, not only did I not run in the marathon, I had to yell at the Chinese food delivery guy to let himself into my apartment so I did not have to get up from the couch. 

The most ambitious thing I did that day was eat with chopsticks.



It is generally agreed it is in human nature to ingest things that give us a break from reality. The problems occur when you try and make that break your reality.  


Here is an example of the difference in a joke if you're reading it or delivering it. If you're reading it, it works better this way:

From 6.2 to 6.3, Donald Trump's doctor gave him an extra inch in height. "As long as you're giving him extra inches, I have a request," said Melania.

If you can do an even passible Melanie accent, which is just a Putin accent with Natasha - of Boris and Natasha fame - thrown in, it goes better like this:


From 6.2 to 6.3, Donald Trump's doctor gave him an extra inch in height. Said Melania, "As long as you're giving him extra inches, I have request." 

Notice I took out the a in "a request" to make the accent more believable. 

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

We was left unawares by the bad fahlkune, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers 


Steve Bannon has been subpoenaed to testify to the House Intelligence Committee. The House Intelligence Committee is stocking up on Febreze. 


After a 35-year ban, Saudi Arabia is allowing movies again. They started with “Dude, Where’s My Camel?” 


A fellow porn star claims Stormy Daniels told her Donald Trump chased her around his hotel room in his tighty whities. As presidential images go, not exactly Washington crossing the Delaware, is it?



The Me Too movement to stop sexual harassment has really caught on. In Arkansas, goats have started the Mehehehehehe Too movement. 



The Time’s Up movement has brought awareness in Hollywood for women’s rights. In other words, Hollywood needs more Holly and a lot less Wood.


   
After a 35-year ban, Saudi Arabia is allowing movies again. They started with “40-Year-Old Virgin Gets 72 Virgins In Heaven.”



After a 35-year ban, Saudi Arabia is allowing movies again. They didn’t stop movies for religious reasons, they just saw “Smokey and the Bandit Part 3” and said, “That’s it.”



After a 35-year ban, Saudi Arabia is allowing movies again. They started with “Dude, Where’s My Jihad?”



Can you believe it has been just over 9 years since Capt. “Sully” Sullenberger landed his US Airways plane on the Hudson River? And just now the passengers are getting their luggage.




Scientists claim, in ten years, they will be able to translate animal noises into language. So, New Zealand shepherds, that gives you ten years to get your stories straight.


A Fish Called Wanda - Disappointed



You're a whore, Peter

Monday, January 15, 2018

The "WSJ" claims Donald Trump had sex with a woman who is paid a fortune to pretend to enjoy sex. And besides Melania, Trump had sex with Stormy Daniels.



The bad news is Donald Trump paid a porn star, Stormy Daniels, $130,000 to hush up their affair. The good news is Trump finally paid someone who worked for him. 



“Fire and Fury”? Sloppy Steve Bannon? Sh*thole Haiti? Stormy Daniels? Trying to write jokes about Donald Trump is the comedy equivalent of a dog trying to bite all the rain drops.



Donald Trump allegedly paid off porn star, Stormy Daniel’s, silence over their affair for $130,000. That seems like a lot for a guy who gets to grab them for free.



James Franco has been accused of sexual harassment by five actresses. If Hollywood is going to end their sexual harassment problems, they’re going to have to think outside the box.



The Seattle Seahawks’ Jeremy Lane was arrested for a DUI over the weekend. So much for the theory the Seahawks could not get arrested during these playoffs.



Awkward moment when Donald Trump was told it was MLK Day. Said Trump, "Milk is spelled with an I. We stable geniuses know that."




Not to go into sordid details, but Trump hired Stormy Daniels because he said she is known to take it in the Haiti.


Stormy Daniels's adult film career focused on lesbian movies. So an affair with Donald Trump was not a big stretch for her.



Minnesota shocked New Orleans with a last-second win. Or as Donald Trump would put it, the Saints got it in the Haiti.


Several businesses have removed their Trump name due to a severe drop in business. Especially the Trump Proctology Grotto. It was a real sh*thole. 



Scientists claim a new device can translate animal noises to English. "My horse, Sassy, is a liar," said Roy Moore. 


Since you asked:



Dear Big Guy In The Sky:


Please let my scary, post-menopausal psycho neighbor with the incessantly yapping lap dogs in her backyard upset my other scary, post-menopausal psycho neighbor who hates dogs. Problem solved and hilarity to ensue. With an emphasis on sue. 

Lex’s Latest Brainstorm:



"Hollywood’s Next Producer"

The era of the sleazy, harassing producer is over. Now producers will be woke and stoked. Since so many old pervert producers are out, time to fill their spots.


It combines “Amazing Race,” with “Chopped,” and “American Idol.” Give four up-and-coming production assistants a modest budget and give them crazy problems to solve, aka, produce: best Steak Diane, 1,000 red balloons, a child who can sing the National Anthem, a set location for an Indian/Cowboy ambush, a grizzly bear that can ride a scooter  and get a Mercedes sawed in half. (Not by the bear, by someone else)  

And, whatever you do, make sure there is a weathered, burly, ex-jock, 50-ish comedy writer as a wise-cracking judge. 

Friday, January 12, 2018


(Sung to the tune of "Tiny Dancer")




Hold me closer, Stormy Daniels
Count the money on the dresser
Lay me down in sheets of rubber
You had a pissy day today. 



Now, I would hate to brag, but I just used a parody of a classic Elton John song to tie together, not one, but two of Donald Trump's alleged prostitute scandals.

Not saying this is the algorithm that explains truth, but this is damn good, if I do say so myself.  


Sloppy Steve Bannon? Sh*thole Haiti? Stormy Daniels? Here is a comedy writer trying to keep up:





Sh*t on a biscuit and call it gravy, this is a wild day even for Donald Trump, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


The New England Patriots face the Tennessee Titans. Both teams, Patriots and Titans, have the word Tit in them. Point this out to NE's Rob Gronkowski, and he'll have the game of his life. 



Thursday, January 11, 2018



Five women have accused James Franco of sexual harassment. You know things are bad when you see an actor you like trending on Twitter and you think: “Please, let it be punching a photographer.”

A runner was disqualified from winning a 100-mile Colorado race when it was discovered he hid in a Porta-Potty. What a crappy way to cheat.

A runner was disqualified from winning a 100-mile Colorado race when it was discovered he hid in a Porta-Potty. Despite cheating, he was still pooped at the end.

A runner was disqualified from winning a 100-mile Colorado race when it was discovered he hid in a Porta-Potty. He didn’t know he was disqualified. He thought they gave him #2. 

A runner was disqualified from winning a 100-mile Colorado race when it was discovered he hid in a Porta-Potty. He flushed his chances for the Olympics. 

Donald Trump met with the Prime Minister of Norway, Erna Solberg. Awkward moment when Trump asked Solberg how far Norway was from their neighbor, Safeway. 

A speaker has been designed to be inserted in a pregnant woman’s vagina so their fetus can hear music. Or it can be inserted into single women's vaginas so they can play "Sing Along with Your Snooch."   



Since you asked:

Yesterday, my WiFi was down for a solid 20 minutes. At one point, in my mind, I compared myself to Nelson Mandela’s 20-year unjust prison sentence. Lord help me, I am a tool.

One of the many things I do not understand about comedians is where all the money suddenly comes from. Excuse my presidential preposition. 

Until they are headliners, comedians break-even traveling to and performing at weekend gigs. They make a little money if the comedy club has a hotel room on reserve or an apartment, like the Comedy Store in La Jolla and LA. 

Once they are headliners, then the travel to comedy clubs is paid for and they make about one or two grand a weekend. That just covers rent in Los Angeles in neighborhoods like Santa Monica or Hermosa Beach.

With a roommate. 

What I do not understand is how David Letterman went from his girlfriend paying his rent in Echo Park, or some other starving artist community, to living down the road from Johnny Carson in Malibu in a few years. And this is all before his talk show. 

Jay Leno bought his current mansion and most of his cars and was being flown first class before he got “The Tonight Show.” Yes, he did have that Dorritos commercial.   

Before they got their own shows, Leno and Letterman were doing “The Tonight Show” a lot, but at $500 an appearance. Yes, Letterman did “Password,” “Mork and Mindy” and was a regular on the short-lived “The Mary Tyler Moore Show.” 

But sports cars in Malibu?   

Louis CK, before he got “Louie” on FX  - and subsequently jerked-off his way out of the entertainment business - had enough money to want to turn down “Louie.” They, FX, just gave him such a lucrative and flexible deal, he could not turn it down. 

In one year, Stroking-Louie is financing his own gig at Madison Square Garden or the Beacon Theater, and buying a nice yacht and producing other artist’s shows.

And, though it all, all comedy writers are relatively horribly underpaid. 




Wednesday, January 10, 2018



Mr. Moose is on the loose, he's full of juice and that ain't no ruse, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


After fires and mudslides, Californians are becoming sentimental of when the scariest thing was a private Happy Hour with Bill Cosby.


It is 2018, but I keep writing “The Kardashians have killed our collective souls” on my checks.


Awkward moment in Trump’s speech when he said he wanted to visit the Norwegian town of Yssup Rebbarg. It was a prompter hack. Yssup Rebbarg is Pussy Grabber backwards.



A TMZ video shows Harvey Weinstein being slapped by a drunk restaurant patron. “Oh, that’s horrible. Harvey’s done some bad things, but he does not deserve this,” said absolutely nobody.



A TMZ video shows Harvey Weinstein being slapped by a drunk restaurant patron. Joke is on the drunk guy. His hand now has an herpes.



TMZ video shows Harvey Weinstein slapped by a drunk restaurant patron. It was an honest mistake, the drunk guy wanted to give Harvey an encouraging slap on the butt, but it is impossible to distinguish between Harvey’s ass and his face.



Harvey Weinstein reached a divorce agreement with his wife, Georgia Chapman. It was the first time after an agreement divorce lawyers - not their clients - had to take a Silkwood Shower. 




Annoying publicity whore, LaVar Bell, said his son, Lonzo’s LA Laker teammates no longer want to play for the coach, Luke Walton. In a related story, the Lakers have copyrighted the term: LaVartarded.